I am weary with my sighing, every night I make my bed swim...
...the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping. The Lord has heard my supplication. The Lord receives my prayers.
Life has been hard the past nine months since Bill died. There have been many trials, and they are not over yet. I admit sometimes I am scared, and I have fought a lot of depression.
Nights are the worse. My mind runs and runs. In order to turn it off enough too sleep, I take Valerian Root and Kava Kava, although I have heard that Kava Kava is hard on your liver. Sometimes it works, usually it does, sometimes it doesn't...
Depression creeps up on me in the afternoons, when I start to get tired. It can escalate by the night hours.
I know this is not God honoring, and I really do trust God.
Yesterday afternoon, I pondered how easy it would be to just give up. I thought how much easier life might be.
'Might be' is the clue. That's Satan talking, and I know it. Life would be a terrible thing to face if the Lord was not with me. Things would not really be better if I gave up being a Christian. But in a weakened state, it's easy for Satan to hit the target with his darts.
So I prayed a lot. I told God there was no way I was going to give up. But I really, really needed encouragement. Could he show Himself to me? I know it's not good to be asking that all the time, but once in a while, was it okay to ask, when we really needed it?
He had already been good to me a few hours earlier through his people. My car had had a flat tire the day before, and a man from our church, who owns a tire shop, fixed it for me. When I asked for the bill, he told me it was already paid.
That's humbling, friends, when you know you don't deserve the kindness people are showing, over and over. My children deserve it, but I don't, especially when I spend too much time in the "slough of despond" (if you don't know what that means, go read Pilgrim's Progress).
So I went to bed last night after taking my Valerian Root, and I "made my bed swim" and I prayed the hours away.
Then I got up this morning...
And I walked outside in the bright morning Texas sunshine...
And I knew God had heard my supplication, because I saw His glory everywhere I went...
First in the farm newborns:
And in the rooster that considers me a threat to his ladies, and tries to spur me everytime I walk near him, and thank you God that his spurs are not big yet, because I still haven't taught him who is boss even though I try to remember to pick up a stick whenever I see him:
In the goats that run to the fence to say good morning. At least, that's what I tell myself they are doing. Probably, they are trying to see if I have the feed bucket in my hand.
I really like this goat:
And in Samantha the goose, still my most faithful farm yard friend:
The Bible tells us that a man's life is threescore and ten. I am 61. Whose knows if I will live 9 more years, and reach threescore and ten, or if I will even reach the end of this day. The women of my family do seem to have long lives, my fathers mother died just before her 95th birthday. My own mother is 81 and very healthy, and her sister, my aunt Joy, just turned 88 and has hardly slowed down.
Even so, I thought if I do have a few more years, now is the time to try and do some of those things I always wanted to do. I had better not put it off any longer.
I really want a fiber farm. I want to learn to spin, and I want to raise animals that will give me wool.
I had the Angora Rabbits, but I wasn't doing much with them, so I bought a "husband" for them. He is absolutely gorgeous, a rare white rabbit with blue eyes, and the beauty of this animal could only come from God. It's hard for me to believe this gorgeous rabbit is considered "pet quality" rather than "show quality":
My spirits greatly lifted in my rabbit house this morning. I had spent the last days cleaning it and moving air conditioners into it. It's still a mess, but I am trying to do a little every day to get as much out of it as I can.
Yesterday, I picked up this beautiful rabbit that I am in love with, and also picked up some Jersey Woolies I got a deal on - buy the baby buck and get two older does for almost nothing. I was pretty happy with the seven week old buck:
And one of the does, who the lady assures me is pregnant with at least three kits:
God shows himself and His glory in all His creation, including the human ones.
Like a little girl who rides her bike to a neighbors house, and comes home with a kitten (yeah, THANKS Tammy...if I remember right, the mother of that kitten was one of ours who ran to your house to escape the very child you gave her offspring to this morning...)
Then when I tried to take her picture, three photobombers had to get in on the action:
And in a young girl who made her first dress yesterday, and was so proud. And to make it even better for her, her first handmade dress matched one her mama has:
So, although my nights are sometimes hard, I purpose to take more walks outside my own house in the mornings. Because the goodness of God is everywhere, all we have to do is open our eyes. It won't be long before we reach the "Celestial City." (There's Pilgrim's Progress again, I got it out recently to read to the kids during school this year.)
May we be strong and of good courage. Heaven is near!
Call to me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know. Jeremiah 33:3